“What are your plans this summer?”

If you asked me this question as the semester was coming to an end, I would’ve given you a list of books and movies I plan to get through.  Ask me now, however, and … well, that’s still a thing.  Yet the end of the semester brought something that made me really evaluate the life I’ve been living and realize there’s much room for improvement.  Well, that’s putting it mildly.  It’s a gaping black hole that needs patching.  At warp speed.  (Please don’t attack the scientific integrity of my imagery; I assure you it’s the least of my problems.)

I got my first C ever (as a final grade).  I got a C.  A C.  A C.

For the first time ever.

Reality check:  I know that in the grand scheme of things getting a C in a college class really means jack shit.  I mean, it kills my hopes of getting a summa cum laude, but “Cs get degrees, people,” and this puts me at a straight 3.7, so really…. I can always lull myself by the “it’s my second language” card, too.  I mean, it’s pretty impressive, right?

But no.  Just no.  If it’s so damn impressive, how come I was able to get by without a C for 5 semesters?  Those were all in that same second language.

So this C got me thinking.  I realized how comfortable I’ve gotten.  How I’ve been on a downward spiral pretty much since I started college.  I’ve gotten lazy.  I’ve gotten soft.  I’ve gotten comfortable.  I’ve gained weight.  I haven’t PRed in years (in track).  I start my work closer and closer to the deadlines.

Reality check #2:  I know I’m not fat.  I realize I’m a perfectly healthy size, but that’s not the point.  Please hold the compliments and comforts; I own a scale and a tape measurer.  I know how much heavier and bigger I’ve gotten in the past couple years, and I’m not happy with that.

For the amount of slacking and night-before-it’s-due paper writing that I’ve been doing, my academic record is actually somewhat impressive.  My slacking has been building up for a while, and–I admit–there is a sense of pride that comes with writing a paper a few hours before it’s due and still getting an A.  But there’s an even bigger sense of pride in writing a paper that I’m actually happy with and not embarrassed to put my name on (regardless of what the grade is).  The brain works better if it’s being challenged (http://moreintelligentlife.com/content/ideas/ian-leslie/uses-difficulty), so why not challenge it by last-minute work?  After all, that’s a way to be efficient with my time…

That may be true, but I am currently not content with efficiency.  I demand excellence of myself.  I’ve always had a high standard for myself, but it’s been wearing off and this C is a wake up call for me to get out of this sappy soggy bed of comfort I managed to trap myself in.

Partially, I blame much of the American attitudes (especially that of educators, coaches, and other leaders), the positive reinforcement.  In my experience, it is not only widely practiced, but also pretty much required.  Sure, it feels nice to be told that you’re doing a great job, but what if you aren’t?  Of course, the hope is that if you’re given to believe that you are, you’ll enjoy the work and eventually get better at it as you enthusiastically carry on.  Sure, it feels great to have your effort recognized, to be encouraged when you’re struggling and you know you’re doing a sucky job.  Sure, that usually makes you try harder and eventually earn that praise.

Overall, however, positive reinforcement has failed me.  It build a trap and I fell right into it and stuck to the sweet honey of its lining.  I got lulled into softness and comfort of the idea that I was doing a “great job.”

The way I grew up, negative reinforcement was the way to go.  It wasn’t the kind that drills you into the ground with how useless you are, but the kind that makes you try harder–because you need to.  It wasn’t “great job!  Keep up the good work,” and it wasn’t “you suck, just quit already.”  It was “nice try, here’s what you’re doing wrong.”  And also “work harder,” sometimes with a bit of “you think you’re gonna get anywhere like that?  Think again! ” sprinkled on top.

So what are my plans this summer?

Work harder.

Get tougher when I critique myself.  Stop the sugar coating (in favor of complex carbs).

Read those books and watch those movies, still.
Write a lot.  A lot.
Prep movies for next year.
Get in a better shape.
Lose some weight and shed some inches.

Mostly, just work harder at being a better me.  Because honestly, I don’t like the current edition.

Progress report: I must say I’ve been doing a decent job.  I’ve read a few books, I’ve been writing and prepping films.  My weight has dropped the tiniest bit, but my body looks better, getting in shape little by little.

And a big plus:  I PRed in triple jump!  For the first time in 5 years, I had a really good day jumping, I improved my PR twice in the standard 6-jump series, and all the other jumps were better than anything I’d jumped this entire season.  With the summer half-way through, I couldn’t ask for a better solid proof that I can succeed.

Now on with the rest of my life.