I am coming to the end of my third year of college, and at Dodge College of Film and Media Arts (more commonly known as DCFMAdness) this means I need to team up with the people I will make my senior thesis film with.  The concept is quite simple and sensible:  the filmmakers in the different emphases at the school join to make films.  The directors have scripts that the school approved, and they look for producers, cinematographers, editors, production designers, and sound designers with whom they can make their scripts into the best movies possible.  Meanwhile the producers, cinematographers, editors, production designers, and sound designers are reading the scripts, meeting with the directors and talking to everyone they know about maybe possibly working together.

It’s fun and exciting.  It is also stressful, because (a) a lot depends on this simple decision, and (b) it’s finals week next week, and we all have a lot of work to do to finish up the current semester.  However, thesis has been at the forefront of my mind.  How do I chose the project to work on?  How do I find the best people to work with?  While I know many the people in the mix and have a lot of production experience, there are many unknowns, and making a simple equation to determine expected utility is simply not possible (yes, I am currently studying game and decision theories, how did you guess?).

Yet I try.  My whiteboard (yes, I have a whiteboard in my room) is full of notes about the different projects I’m considering.  I think about the films I’ve worked on in the past and try to use that experience to help with my decision.  I talk to the people I know and respect (who aren’t rising seniors) and seek their insight.  I ask the people I have worked with and admire.  I ponder.  I ponder some more.

Today, I had this realization that just felt insane:  I am about to produce a senior thesis film.  Yet I remember so vividly when I was a little bitty freshman.  I remember how I wasn’t even a film student and felt so small and insignificant and scared.  Scared that they were gonna find me out as someone who’s not supposed to be there at all and just kick me out.  I’ve since become I am an actual film student with ample experience whose help on set is often asked for.  But I still mostly feel this way.  Another thing I remember is how I saw the seniors who were in charge of all the projects I worked on as small insignificant freshman, sophomore, and junior.  I remember how they were so amazing to me in their skills and expertise.  How they were someone I aspired to become.

Now, I guess, I’m there.

I still feel small and insignificant.  I know I have a lot to learn.  But in the past few years, I’ve also learned a lot.  And feeling small and insignificant has driven me to work my hardest to maybe try and grow just a little bit.  I’ve worked a lot.  To my utter surprise, people tend to be very happy with my work.  So maybe feeling small and insignificant is not a terrible thing?

Now, I’m almost at the top of the undergrad ladder.  A senior with a film to call her own (as much as something as collaborative as film can be somebody’s).  I am somewhat intimidated.  I’m also very excited.